Sanity


(n) the state of being sane; soundness of mind
  
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It’s 1:19 in the morning and today’s my dad’s birthday.

I was originally not going to post anymore because as I said, the phase has ‘done died’ but I literally cannot get to sleep because I’m madly in love and I came here to express this and my parents may have found my site but whatever. I need to let it out. Foh real

I have this intense desire to text or even call, though I’m bad at phone calls I don’t even care because it’s delving deep. The feeling has been beating around the bush lately but tonight is different because I cannot, I repeat, cannot stop thinking of him. From the moment I woke up at 8:20 and did my pretty hair in 10 minutes I’ve daydreamed excessively about everything around the moon, to a honeymoon, I don’t even want to get married but fuck it! To vacations, to long kisses. To making LOVE. Even a baby, for like Jesus criminy I’m the last person on this rotating nature ball to be desiring such things. I don’t understand myself and I’m always asking why why why, but tonight is like AHH I WANT YOU IN MY HEAD BUT I WANT YOU MORE IN MY HEART OR RIGHT BESIDE ME. And the real dreams at night time. For the whole month it’s been a lonely night rides it’s been. Chasing love over the moon, just wanting to spoon! Time will tell me if they’re devilish desires but for the time being I would really like to sleeeep again. Last few nights have not workd out in my favor. I will wait and I’ll hope, for these slamming desires to behold some true-ness or at least a good message because I’ve much learning to do but way too much has already been learned in these 2 months so God have mercy on my fragile soul let it be good let in fact, let it be great. I deserve no more than the next person and I don’t ask for much all but a signal. To know I’m doing something right on this crazy loopy path of mine. I’ve never wanted a child so greater than now really I thought I would be an old widow with fuzzy cats meowing for my company. I used to talk to myself all the time. I haven’t said a peeping word lately at all. Everything has been so internal and yet I’m not unsure but curious. My heart yearns for deep love I want to tell somebody, particularily this one person, my inner deepest secrets, my whole story straight from the beginning, the scattered parts that nobody knows. The inner thoughts of my old soul(s) that I remember because I’ve died time and time again. I just want to share. I want to share everything and get it out in the air for the simple fact that not only could death take me at any breathing second but somebody should know, the true me, before I go. People have gotten close but I’ve always been in my shell, waiting for somebody to run me out of it, or make me WANT to run out of it and he’s got me flailing. For me to even be writing this openly I need to take a second to be awe struck at myself… It’s true when I hear love makes a person do crazy things. I do mean crazy. My friend she’s going through heartbreak and it just makes me think that even if I was shot down in a flashing beat I would be here looking like a fool but it’s okay. Because love doesn’t die. These impulses are enough to last a lifetime and I’d be happy they even came in the first place. So here’s to my found love which hasn’t showed a face, yet, I can hope but I know love works in the most mysterious ways.¬†With that, at 2:01 am I hope to catch some shut eye.

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This is adios

Another phase has done died and I’ll be on my way.

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